Tian Chin

2007-07-27T22:46:00.000+08:00

this blog.
this is the last post.
i have a new life.
and it's called evil.
so, say goodbye to this old, stupid ugly fat ivan.
he's officially quitting from everything temporarily. maybe.
and he just wants to say, i really just wanna be your friend.

2007-07-27T21:09:00.000+08:00

i dun expect anything else much already.
i just wanna be your good friend, to talk and hang out, study with.
But, you're avoiding. and it's saddening.

i'm now like a total stranger.
DUN CALL ME. :(

2007-07-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

i thought i m over with it.
But somehow, it just happens that my acting skills and pretence just got better.
good night.

life's meaningless.

2007-07-25T20:05:00.000+08:00

hahaha.
though memories may come back sometime,
it's always nice, and sweet. :)

no longer as sad as before :) haha. maybe perhaps being friends ain't that bad at all :)
you're my gd friend always.
take care. haha.

and i m really over it. hehe. though it somehow did affect my studies abit, but i grew up. and become the new me. haha.

sometimes, i think there's this little devil in me. which makes me think of all the bad stuff. But well. haha. i'll hire one more angel to kill you. =p

and i swam again today. swimming is like my new hobby lah. i m going to swim frequently!

anyway. my daily schedule for now as follows:
(after school lah)

Monday: swim 2 hrs. mug 5 hrs.
Tuesday: swim 2 hrs. mug 5 hrs.
Wednesday: run 4km. mug 4 hrs.
Thursday: Rest. mug 6 hrs.
Friday: swim. mug 4 hrs.
Saturday: rest/gym. mug 8 hrs.
Sunday: rest/gym. mug 8 hrs.

i hope you'll still gym with me. my friend. haha.

2007-07-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

当你下定决心离开我
有没有想到我的感受
但算了因为我不难过

when you're gone.
everything that i do, reminds me of you.

2007-07-24T18:10:00.001+08:00

This is so true. but yet, an irony.
it's only initial.

Initially, the Pisces native may seem very adaptable, casual and totally at ease in complying with every wish of the Taurus partner. This is likely the attitude that will hook Taurus and bring the pair together in the beginning. However, the Taurus native is in for a rude awakening when he or she discovers that Pisces wants one thing one minute and something completely different the next. While the Taurus partner will try to suggest approaching a given problem in a practical manner, Pisces will express some outlandish method...which often works out better than the suggestion of Taurus and better than even the Taurus partner would have believed possible. Native of Taurus like to have the people they know look up to them, but Pisces embraces no such ideas.

In short, those governed by Pisces are indifferent to anyone's opinion, other than their own...still, there will be occasions when the Taurus individual will find that Pisces is actually dependent on him or her. It is inherent in the Pisces character to stick his or her head in the sand when problems arise, refusing to discuss them sensibly and hoping they will simply go away...which they rarely do. When there are too many problems for Pisces to countenance, then the infamous trait for heading to the nearest bar and pleasant companions in order to drown his or her sorrows will undoubtedly materialize. This unfortunate tendency is more common among the males than the females, but is a result of the Pisces tendency to be torn in two directions at the same time. Basically, the Pisces native does not find it easy to make decisions. In order to achieve longevity in this union, the Taurus partner must accept these shortcomings.

On a more positive note, the psychic ability of the Pisces partner will enable him or her to keep on top of the feelings of Taurus and thus, will act and react with Taurus to ensure happiness. In a romantically physical sense, the Pisces individual will be very sensitive to all the nuances of the desires associated with Taurus and will try very hard to keep the Taurus partner happy. However, if any failure on the part of Pisces to do this brings about the criticism of Taurus, then Pisces will soon be looking for a new mate. This could be a good working match, provided the Taurus native is not looking for...or expecting...a partner who possesses a great deal of strength.
In general, this is a rather happy union. Being two positions apart in the Zodiac Wheel, these Signs have karmic ties and a deep-rooted empathy for one another. Although Pisces is idealistic, dreamy and impressionistic while Taurus is more down-to-earth and practical, this pair are both nurturers who prize harmony and stability in a relationship. Here, each has much to offer the other. Taurus is capable of providing the grounded approach that the Pisces partner needs in order to put all of his or her dreams into action. In return, Pisces can offer the kindness, gentleness and sweet sympathy that Taurus so loves in a mate. There will be times when the Taurus native cannot understand the seemingly simplistic view of life taken by the Pisces partner...but truth be told, Pisces is not really so simple at all. Pisces is truly deep.

Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus and Pisces by the planet Neptune...and to a limited degree, Jupiter. When Venus...symbolic of love...meets Neptune...symbolic of illusions...there is a magnificent spiritual connection. Both Venus and Neptune vibrate with feminine energy and together, represent an idealistic relationship that has been described as divine. The influence of Jupiter...symbolic of philosophy, expansion and excesses...adds a masculine energy to the combination. A match between these two Signs can produce the type of union that both individuals dream of, but the foundation for this kind of heady and dreamy connection can be just that...dreams, illusions and fantasy. Taurus is governed by the element of Earth while Pisces is governed by the element of Water. In general, these two elements are quite compatible since both Earth and Water are tangible, physical entities. Thus, Taurus can help Pisces to stablilize the inherent sensitivity while Pisces can bring a touch of magic to the practical approach of Taurus. However, care needs to be taken to ensure against too much of a good thing...after all, an over abundance of Water can turn Earth into mud.

In short, Taurus could tire of Pisces' emotional instability and in turn, Pisces may feel that Taurus is insensitive to his or her needs. Fortunately, it is often easy for this pair to find a way to overcome their differences. Taurus is Fixed in quality and Pisces is mutable. Where Taurus is steady, stubborn, practical and focused, Pisces adores the sensation of mobility...the feeling of being able to move from one thought to the next according to fancy. Thus, the Taurus rigidity can hamper the flexibility of Pisces and it will be necessary for Taurus to learn how to let Pisces flow if this union is to achieve longevity. In return, Pisces will be very supportive and exceedingly loving. Pisces can show Taurus that mutability is sometimes better than a fixed determination to do thing one way...and one way only. Here, the different emotional natures of the Taurus/Pisces combination tend to complement and harmonize with each other very well. The overall empathy and commitment of this pair is valued greatly by both individuals, resulting in a relationship where the ties will usually be strong.

In essence, this combination is a very good one. The sentimental Pisces partner will find much comfort in the sympathetic nature of the Taurus individual...and the romantic, imaginative, imprerssionable and flexible Pisces native is exactly what Taurus is seeking in a mate. This couple will share their appreciation for beauty, art, sensuality and many of the other fine things life has to offer. Still, each partner here will need to keep a careful watch on his or her emotions in order for this union to work.

i still believe in horoscopes.

2007-07-24T17:30:00.000+08:00

i must be a little crazy today. haha. i swam 20 laps, and ran. wow. i never did that in my entire life. :)
But somehow, swimming helps me to de stress. and forget, and keep fit. so i guess, haha. i shall swim everyday. :) and i m feeling much better already. i can feel it. haha. :)
but. that doesn't mean emo posts will stop. cause, haha. i love emo posts. haha.
but anyway, i went for my NS check up. Pes A. :) din know i m so healthy eh. haha

anyway. the emo post.:

haiz. this song.

我已经
已经把我伤口化作玫瑰
我的泪水已经变成雨水早已轮回
我已经已经把对白留成了永远
忘了天色究竟是黑是灰

分手伤了谁
谁把他变美
我的眼泪写成了诗已无所谓
让你再回味
字不醉人人自醉
因为回忆总是美

我已经
已把绝情变成了恭维
因为不配你就忽然自卑说声失陪
我已经已经把沉默变成了忏悔
无路可退只能无言以对
分手伤了谁
谁把他变美
我的眼泪写成了诗已无所谓
让你在回味
字不醉人人自醉
因为回忆总是美
分手伤了谁
谁把他变美
我的眼泪写成了诗
一首无所谓
让你再回味字不醉人人自醉
你的品味总是美

i still remember that night, u played the erhu.

2007-07-23T22:47:00.000+08:00

now that i m almost over it. haha

time to share a little pointers with people trying to console heartbroken people :)
i've been in the being consoled, consoling someone, and a on looker before. so, i know. i think.

Dun call him not to cry. Just let him cry his hearts out. If he dun cry, then, that's weird.
Dun believe what he says, when he says he's alright, he's really not alright.
Dun be so happy in front of him or mention how good your boyfriend or girlfriend is, he'll be jealous. and worse.
Dun compare him with your other relationships. Every relationship is unique.
Dun blame the person that broke his heart, in front of him.
Dun say how he deserves it and that he really deserves it.
Dun cry with him..
Dun leave him alone. He's always lonely after breaking up.
Dun mention anything about that past relationship with him, unless he mentions it. or ask him to delete the pictures or anything.
Dun go around and tell the whole world, he's out of love!

haha. basically, these pointers. hmm.

thank god, most of my friends are not like this. But even if they are, i know they do care and yea. love them. =)

i'm strong, if i think i am.

2007-07-23T21:46:00.000+08:00

they say:

if you love someone, let him be happy.

i did.

But that someone, dun love me. i m not happy.

2007-07-23T17:47:00.000+08:00

maybe it's like this when you think too much, or are too depressed.

you dun eat. even if you do, you puke it all out after that.
you can't sleep.
you imagine things. u hear people laughing at you. you think people are laughing at you from afar.
you dun trust anyone.

well. this mental torture sucks.

anyway, here's another one. in between history and Econs lesson:

again, only i will know the melody. :)

It's not that i want to think of you
Just that i wake up in the morning
To find myself still in that beautiful dream

I told you I'd really forget
But truth's it's hard to accept
Hours and minutes spent
Waiting for you to comeback

Still living in the past
I can’t simply let it pass
Dream of nightmare
No longer do I care

I’ve made up my mind
To get over that and do my best to forget
Though tears may be there, I maybe scared
I dun think you will give me strength (you once did)
Coz I know, you wun be there

I told you I'd really forget
But truth's it's hard to accept
Hours and minutes spent
Waiting for you to comeback

Still living in the past
I can’t simply let it pass
Dream of nightmare
No longer do I care

I’ve made up my mind
To get over that and do my best to forget
Though tears may be there, I maybe scared
I dun think you will give me strength (you once did)
Coz I know, you wun be there

I hope you’ll be kind
And not come back into the life that you used to like
Though I cry all night, I maybe sad
I dun think you will ever come back (you never did)
Coz I know you wun be there

Anymore, you wun be there. Anytime, I think of you no more.
Anywhere, I see you face there. Anyway, I do not care.

You wun be there. You wun come back. You wun be there. For me. Anymore.

2007-07-22T10:25:00.000+08:00

new direction in life.

after a levels, i've got NS
then i will go to Germany. and study. study what, only i know.
then i 'll come back.
and work my guts out.
earn enough money, give to my mother.
and die.

=) my happy ending.
when you're gone.

miracles do occur. don't they?

2007-07-22T10:11:00.000+08:00

i'm still waiting for the message that reads:

I'm sorry, I love you. still.

2007-07-22T10:06:00.001+08:00

i've already hid all those things in the box, full of memories.

2007-07-22T09:52:00.000+08:00

I just want to

It’s just so hard to forget
The days I spent with you
The nights I thought of you
Every minute I am thinking of you

Memories just flow back
As I name everything after you
Even the day when you packed my room
But they’re things that I can’t undo

But what can I do?
There’s nothing better than seeing you

I just want to return to you
And hold you tight by my side
I just want to sing you that song
That you once said was nice
I just want to be with you
No matter what our status is
I just want to, and I just want to
Say I love you

It’s just so hard to forget
The days I spent with you
The nights I thought of you
Every minute I am thinking of you

Memories just flow back
As I name everything after you
Even the day when you packed my room
But they’re things that I can’t undo

But what can I do
Every dream’s all about you

I just want to say it to you
And cry my heart out for you
I just want to hear those words again
That you once said will be forever
I just want to lie to you
No matter how hard I’ll be fine
I just want to, and I just want to
Say I need you

Everything I say
Everything you do
It’s playing in my mind
Everyday I think of you
Every night I dream of you
I just want to
Let you know,
I really love you

2007-07-21T18:30:00.001+08:00

to love is to risk not being loved in return

2007-07-21T17:08:00.000+08:00

do you really dun miss me anymore?

2007-07-21T16:12:00.001+08:00

i didn't know i will be that sad.

2007-07-21T15:48:00.000+08:00

i really miss 15-6-07.

2007-07-21T15:28:00.000+08:00

Seems like just yesterday
You were a part of me
I used to stand so tall
I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight
Everything, it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothin' could go wrong
Now I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
I told you everything
Opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright
For once in my life
Now all that's left of me
Is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside'
Cause I can't breathe
No, I can't sleep
I'm barely hangin' on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Swallow me then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside
Anymore...Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once againI'm torn into pieces
Can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes

2007-07-21T15:27:00.000+08:00

can you scold me when i eat too much again?
can you scold me for not studying hard again?
can you please, care for me again?
it's hard, you know, to live alone...

2007-07-21T15:18:00.000+08:00

又站在你家的门口
我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候
还能多久
终于你开口向我诉说她有多温柔
虽然你还握着我的手
但我已不在你心中
我真的懂
你不是喜新厌旧
是我没有
陪在你身边
当你寂寞时候
别再看着我
说着你爱过
别太伤痛
我不难过
这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流
我也不懂
就让我走
让我开始享受自由
回忆很多
你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱
你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞
这会是我
最后的宽容
抱紧我
再抱紧我
这一份感动
请你让我留在胸口
别再说是你的错
爱到了尽头
是非对错
就让它随风
忘了所有
过得比你快活
不要再说
或许这是最好的结果
现在分手
总好过你不爱我一拖再拖
松开你的手
离开你左右
我向前走
这会是我
真正的解脱

2007-07-21T14:54:00.000+08:00

"Fall To Pieces"
I looked away
Then I look back at you
You try to say
The things that you can't undo
If I had my way
I'd never get over you
Today's the day
I pray that we make it through
Make it through the fall
Make it through it all

And I don't wanna fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you
I don't want to talk about it
Cuz I'm in Love With you
You're the only one,I'd be with till the end
When I come undone
You bring me back again
Back under the stars
Back into your arms

Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything
I'm in love with you
Cuz i'm in love with you
I'm in love with you
I'm in love with you

2007-07-21T14:19:00.000+08:00

4 days- 5 pieces of biscuits, 1 sausage, 3 nuggets. and water.

i'm trying. =(

2007-07-21T14:02:00.000+08:00

my hand was pain.
now, my heart is worse.

i've escaped from death.
i want to be strong.
i thought i could. i m wrong.
i still want you. badly.

listening to sad break up songs.: somehow, they make you sadder.
But listening to the lyrics carefully, they make u think better, and heal your wounds.
as people suggest, time heals everything, but the worry is, will there be enough time??

anyway, i would like to thank the following people for being there and supporting me these few days. it's really tough, and i believe you guys helped me, a lot.

HongQi
Ivan - not me
Zhong Zhong
Kelvin
Shane
Zhong Ri
Dennis
Jialin
Daryl
Terence
you :( thank you for not lying.
and many others who showed care and concern. :)

so now, aeroplane no longer want the old big ugly van and flew away. perhaps, the van should just hide in the garage, and rot till death.

2007-07-21T14:00:00.001+08:00

i miss you like crazy. haiz.

2007-07-21T13:47:00.001+08:00

你说你要走
要你的自由
感觉已没有
留着做什么

我拼命补救
是我没有用
不能够挽留
缠着为什么

我以为我们的爱情会天长地久
我相信手牵手一定会走到最后
我怀疑你的心是跟着别人流走
我忘记当时你给我的无限温柔

想起那时候吃完面然后手拉手
回忆初见面时候感觉那么汹涌
记得那一天你紧紧握我的双手
告诉我坚持下去一定会有结果

可是是你欺骗了我
可是是你抛弃了我
可是是你忘了承诺
可是是你要我独自生活

不是你, 我也有错
没有给你要的感受
没有陪你每晚度过
没有察觉感情早已不妥

我不想要放手
再拉着也没用
想如果没有你
日子会怎么过

2007-07-21T13:02:00.000+08:00

Do you know?

And so that night I called you
You made up your mind
To let me cry all night

And the next day I met you
I thought I will be fine
Alright and will not cry

But it’s simply hard to forget.
There’s a hole in my heart
You told me you din want to tear it apart.

Do you know, you really broke my heart
Do you know, I’ve really did my part
Do you know, the pain that you gave, is so damn freakin hard

Do you know, that song still lingers in my mind
Do you know, I no longer live like what I did yesterday
Do you know, I really miss you so, I hope

It’s a dream, I believe
I force myself not to deceive anybody
But somehow it’s just me who doesn’t think

But too bad, that’s reality
You no longer have the same feelings
Pretence is hard that you decide to leave me

But I know you wouldn’t come back
You just want to be my friend
And want me to accept that fact

Do you know, I ‘m struggling with myself inside
Do you know, it’s all you and you in my eyes
Do you know, that life’s never good, without you by my side

Do you know, I’m crying all night
Do you know, I hope all that you said were all lies
Do you know, it’s you that once lit up my life, now it’s back to my original life

Why can’t you lie?
Why must you find, back the feelings?
Why can’t I cry?
Why must you leave me alone to die?
Why can’t you stay?
Why must you not let me try, once again?

Why can't you, why must you?
Do you know? Do you? I'm dying right inside!

2007-07-21T12:20:00.000+08:00

i miss those days.

we met and watch fantastic 4
i said silver surfer's hotter than you
we ate the wanton mee
you bringing me to see your 'parents'
taking the neoprints and me running away when the staff saw the pics
the first kiss
we went to 7-11 to buy drinks
the unwillingness to seperate at the club
the person tapping my shoulder, saying what a sweet couple we are
taking pics in the club
us jumping when we saw the cockroaches
walked around at vivocity looking at the dogs
sitting down at superdog and taking your pics while you are eating
snatching your iced tea away
sitting down at that quiet corner singing our favourite songs
holding your hand and embracing hug that night
dancing with you
queuing up with you and got the yellow lightstick
getting the cap together
sharing a ribena vodka
seeing your message first day in the morning
you singing that song for me
your erhu music
you coming over to my house to study
eat meepok together
writing your name on my notes
you saying i love you
the phone calls every night
studying at starbucks and waving to the guys staring at us
you helping me to compile the chinese notes
encouraging me to study hard
cooking for me at pepperlunch
you coming over to my room to clear my rubbish
calling me to buy the cream to heal my skin
you taking away food from your school for my dinner
having cheesecake together
sneaking into the arcade together
buying your mother's birthday present
waiting for the bus 59 together
you calling me not to eat fast food
you telling me to not think so much
you 'forcing' me to go for your torture in the gym
you and i walking around aimlessly
your good morning and good night messages daily
when i smile when i see that our horoscopes are compatible
you calling me ivan...

IT's terrible, and hard to forget. IT's not as easy as throwing something away.

I tried. it's of no use. I keep thinking of you.

The advertisments on the train. Pilot Jetpen. JetStar Asia.

the comprehension passage. Jet engine

the surroundings. i saw aeroplanes and paper aeroplanes.

the tv. i hear the song u sing to me everyday.

Don't you know, it's just so fast, sudden and hard to accept.

i've tried so hard so much, i tried to lose weight, i no longer go fast food restaurants, i go to the gym, i tried to be happier. BUT, you still will not return :(

i miss you so much.

2007-07-21T00:42:00.000+08:00

i guess, i dun really have to say how i feel. my ipod playlist. and the songs these few days explains it all...

我怀念的
我问为什么那女孩传简讯给我
而你为什么不解释低着头沉默
我该相信你很爱我不愿意敷衍我
还是明白你已不想挽回什么
想问为什么我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空最紧的右手最暖的胸口
谁记得谁忘了

想问为什么我不再是你的快乐
可是为什么却苦笑说我都懂了
自尊常常将人拖着把爱都走曲折
假装了解是怕真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受
我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起作梦
我怀念的是争吵以后还是想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空最紧的右手最暖的胸口

谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动求我原谅抱得我都痛
我记得你在背后也记得我颤抖着
记得感觉汹涌美的烟火
最长的相拥
谁爱得太自由谁过头太远了谁要走我的心谁忘了那就是承诺
谁自顾自地走谁忘了看着我谁让爱变沉重谁忘了要给你温柔

我怀念的

我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日也记得那一首歌
记得那片星空最紧的右手最暖的胸口

我放手
我让座
假洒脱
谁懂我多么不舍得
太爱了
所以我没有哭没有说

你怎么舍得我难过

对你的思念是一天又一天

孤单的我还是没有改变

美丽的梦何时才能出现

亲爱的你好想再见你一面

秋天的风一阵阵的吹过

想起了去年的这个时候

你的心到底在想些什么

为什么留下这个结局让我承受

最爱你的人是我

你怎么舍得我难过

在我最需要你的时候

没有说一句话就走

最爱你的人是我

你怎么舍得我难过

对你付出了这么多你却没有感动过

Other songs...
i shall just post part of the lyrics...
too tiring to view all these.

安宁
夜的宁静是时候好好反省
我忽然非常想念你
你的背影让我失去了理性
你的放弃让我迷失了自己
你的离去就像刺青永远烙印在我的心是如此痛而如此的美丽

__________________________________________________________

旋涡
逆光

Behind these hazel eyes.

飘着
需要你
雨天
Since you been gone
眼泪成诗
我也很想他
Because of you
隐形人
开始懂了
同类
Never again
不是真的爱我
了解害怕任性坏天气
fall to pieces
我不难过

2007-07-18T22:21:00.001+08:00

the aeroplane flew away.
my legs are too weak to chase.

2007-07-18T22:21:00.000+08:00

the aeroplane flew away.
my legs are too weak to chase.

2007-07-18T18:48:00.000+08:00

if i dun blog tmr,
most probably, i would have ceased to exist from this world.

2007-07-18T16:53:00.000+08:00

possible mistakes:

holding on too tightly.
too little time.
sleep too early.
too sensitive.

i guess, i can only make a bad boyfriend.

but the verdict's only out tmr. good luck. may the jury all side me. haha

2007-07-18T16:35:00.000+08:00

孤独难过沮丧
我想哭但是你说这也不是解决方法
逃避假装无知
我想说但是说了也只会更加不快乐
灰心黯然心碎
我想只有你能够补救我那破碎的心

我看着手机. 始终没有你的简讯
我看着你, 眼泪不禁往下流滴
我看着回忆, 难以忘记我很爱你

哈哈. 我每一天都等待和你见面的那一天.
明天, 就要和你见面了. 心情本是很开心的
但是, 你说的那些话我不清.
希望明天会好好的解决难题
因为我不要和你分手
因为我深深的爱着你.

i'm really afraid...

2007-07-17T22:48:00.000+08:00

issit actually that difficult?
it's a terrible feeling and i dread that.

I can't concentrate. DIE.

2007-07-16T21:55:00.000+08:00

寻寻兒兒钱, 你到底在哪儿?
haha. well, ivan is money driven :)
he believes that he lives for money, and he still believes so :)

it's rather depressing to see changes. in everything :(

and i dislike lies. and making amazing discoveries about things that i am not supposed to know.

and i dislike to be unappreciated.

and i dislike to see my wallet empty, and my bank account with just that few zeros.

and i dislike one word or liner replies. well, like what teachers always say, elaborate :)

and i dislike Sun Ho to the core. well. just dislike :)

and i dislike listening to people's orders.

and i dislike some things about something.

and disliking so many things make me think that
the world is imperfect.

but well, i know my world is PERFECT, because,
i have u, flying all around :)

2007-07-15T14:25:00.000+08:00

oh wow. i saw the analysis on terence's blog abt his horoscope.
and yea. i decided to see if mine is accurate.
and all i can say is, wow. :)

PISCES MAN

He is very emotional and always allow himself to be very emotional.

He can have a good night sleep and be in a good mood , and less than few hours at work he can be very moody.

He does not understand things or try to understand things easily.

If you notice him carefully , you will notice what kind of moods he is in.

He is a thinker and able to do well at work and always succeed.

His normal gestures mean he always look at other people faults , but he will not talk about it.

He has the ability to know your thought and able to tell you what you are thinking about.

He can mostly memorize all his anger , his loves. They are his important secrets and he will keep them to himself and will never let you know.

He is not a very ambitious man and careless about his position in society.
Wealth does not drawn his attention, because he is not greedy man and as well he thinks money is not something that will last. *this is the part where i think it's wrong*

He could be very careless about his future.

He does not like to fight against all odds , but instead following the stream and make life easier.

Sometimes because he likes to take an easy path , which cause him very unsteady future.

He is kind and slightly lazy , but it is his cute character.

He hates rules and regulations.

He will never look down on people.

He is a polite guy and can be very aggressive when he is mad.

He loves to think that he lives in a beautiful world and surround by nice people , so if he finds his world is cruel and not what he expects , he will live in his world instead.

His other charm is that he is a funny guy , and it is his real weapon.

He can tease you and yet make it looks like one of his joke.

Even when he is sad , he still has that funny face , so you could hardly tell if he is mad or depressed.

He likes to hide his feeling and help other people especially those who need friend or lonely.

He will be everything that you want and everything you do not want.

He has a chance to make it as much as a chance to fail.

He can determine to make it work and can do it well , except he tends to lost his energy with other important things , that's how he miss many of his good opportunity.

He can be happy and content by himself.

What he think is important is not "Love" , but firm status and stability.

He has plenty of love for you.

He is a good speaker , as much as he is a good listener.

When he is with you , he wants to be happy.

He understand his partner's emotions.

He likes to take a long rest and sometimes being alone.

If he needs to be alone , try not to disturb him.

He is a sensitive , quiet , shy and easily hurt.

He wants to feel worthy.

He can be mad and noisy , but once he calm down , he will be that happy person again.

He is not a jealous or possessive guy , and if he feels jealous he will hide it.

He has many friends of both sex , and he care about Perfect description of you based on your Sun sign 7 his friends.

He likes to have lots of friends , so you can not get jealous or else you will lose him.

He likes beautiful things , so if a pretty woman walk by he will look , so do not get mad at him knowing this fact.

When he is lonely or feeling sad , be close to comfort him.

He does not like to take advice , so if you want him to listen or to follow your advice , you have to act as a good sample for him first.

He likes a cheery and a smart woman.

If you treat him like he is your special person , then he will be that special person for you.

He will trust you if he is in love , but try not to over doing it and spoil him too much.

You have to know yourself worth all the time too.

2007-07-15T13:53:00.000+08:00

We all live for a perfect world.
But somehow, what we're doing, is making the world more imperfect.
that's why life's an irony.

and i m so happy and relieved. for i knew, i din regret that choice i made :)

and isn't it unbelievable? that you can actually play Pokemon on ur hp! :p

2007-07-14T22:29:00.001+08:00

I've got so much to say.

zzz

2007-07-14T20:47:00.000+08:00

it's been a long while since i lasted posted something constructive and intelligent. well
this week, full of crap. ups and downs.

let's talk about ups first.
so. the EXORO competition? yea. me, fuisan and jade got 3rd. gt a trophy and a few dollars :) not forgetting loads of pizzas complimentary from NEW york pizza :)
results. i passed my H2 subjects. those that i din really study hard.

Downs.
many to mention.
results. well. self explanatory.
misunderstanding, miscommunication. :( for me to know, and yea. just for me to know.
unfairness in the world. whereby rules are not cleary specified. well. it's a matter of 700 bucks and the honour. nvm :)
class bonding. till now, it's still crap.
humanity. we're all so still selfish, and stupid.
money. always a big issue. so yea.

well well. money makes the world spin, friends make the world spin faster and family are just the source for the world to spin.

Who says money is not important. we're all eventually after one goal. MONEY/ CASH.
Cash is king. money makes the world go round. true.
let's view it in Singapore's context.

once u r born, u have the baby bonus: $$$ so, ur parents made use of u to gain that money.
you go to school, learn and absorb knowledge, so that u can get a job. and earn money :)
you join competition, to earn money. :)
you go to overseas uni, to get a better recognition, so that u get a better job, to earn more money :)
you give birth to many children, to gain the baby bonus, and so that more sons will burn u more money after u die. Money again :)

money is everywhere. evil, but we all love it.
I love it :) dun u.

and anyway, i think i make a bad boyfriend :(
that's all.
Gd nite, while i think of how to spend that pathertic few bucks :)

2007-07-05T14:43:00.000+08:00

You are The Emperor

Stability, power, protection, realization; a great person.

The Emperor is the great authority figure of the Tarot, so it represents
fathers, father-figures and employers. There is a lot of aggression and violence
too.

The Emperor naturally follows the Empress. Like an infant, he is filled with enthuiasm, energy, aggression. He is direct, guileless and all too often irresistible. Unfortunately, like a baby he can also be a tyrant. Impatient, demanding, controlling. In the best of circumstances, he signifies the leader that everyone wants to follow, sitting on a throne that indicates the solid foundation of an Empire he created, loves and rules with intelligence and enthusiasm. But that throne can also be a trap, a responsibility that has the Emperor feeling restless, bored and discontent.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

2007-07-01T00:18:00.000+08:00

omg. thai commercials are so funny and cute. if only singapre's like that too. hahaha

2007-06-30T21:51:00.000+08:00

2007-06-30T15:58:00.000+08:00

yesterday ought to be the touchiest day of my life.
WHY?
cause. thanks to this particular someone, not my beloved guan yin buddha, though i credit her also, but also, Aeroplane!
for helping me make the notes for my chinese. oh man. haha. for the first time, chinese stuff actually got into my brain. thanks to aeroplane! haha

and so, another good news!
Chinese lit paper is over!
yay. enjoy, play. for a few days, and back to mugging.
Reality. for students. haha. especially JC 2 students.

and i bought kelly clarkson's new album. my december.
the 2nd album i bought this year, other than stefanie Sun. haha.

2007-06-28T20:30:00.000+08:00

yay. and kiss history goodbye, for now. haha.
actually today's paper not that bad, i kinda regret now mugging hard enough. But still, how many marks can regret give me? so ya. haha.

omg. in a twinkling on an eye, mid yr is like over soon? just left with that dreaded paper. yawns. and i m going to sleep like nobody's business.
haha.

3 hrs on new poems
2.5 hrs on tang shi
2.5 hrs on song ci

3 hrs on the short stories.
2 hrs on tea house.

yay. 13 hrs of mugging tmr :) all the best!
cramming rocks

history

2007-06-27T21:15:00.000+08:00

and here comes that subject,

that i love, yet hate
confident, yet unsure
interesting yet boring.

HISTORY. readings. tutorial outines, and 3 hrs of 4 esssays.
DIE.

2007-06-27T13:27:00.000+08:00

yea yea. maths is finally over. well
expecting a borderline pass or fail. well. din practise enough. :(
anyway, today's paper was so eventful. there was a blackout!!!
so yea. 10 mins extension, which was really unnecessary for me since i was in great pain. i was having a tummyache which miraclously turned out fine after the paper, accompanied with a slight headache, and running nose, as well as a terrible cough. I could simply die there. :( but yea, Guan Yin Buddha blessed me. haha. and i was able to survive this trauma.

well. mugging for history soon. 6 chapters. 24 hrs left. well. hahas. i think i m just going to mug R.f and another 3 topics. well. no choice. i wasted my hols away. =(

2007-06-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

GREAT. here i am posting again.
despite maths paper tmr, and i still dunno a whole load of correlation stuff, thanks to some people, here i am. posting.

imagine.
u are in a class.
no one talks to you, or u rather, you can't find a common topic. well, u try to blend in, but still, you get shunned. and they ignore you.

imagine.
u go to a class outing,
you act in your normal weird behaviour, someone just gave u the eeek look. your classmate for a year+. well.

imagine.
u join a class discussion,
u hear people gossiping about other people, and you start to wonder and ponder, are they doing the same behind your back?

imagine.
u have extra lessons, or yea. anything else,
and you weren't informed at all.

imagine.
u see ur classmate on the streets,
they dun bother to say hi :)

imagine.
u really need help in your academics,
they will be the ones to say, i dunno. and they score in their exams.

imagine.
when someone talks to you, finally,
but it's just for homework. and that person brush you away after that.

imagine.
just imagine. you, in a class like this.
insecurity. mistrust. making use of each other.
ooh. wat a class it should be. :)

oh, by the way, i am not refering to my class. i love 06A04. who doesn't. the classmates are so friendly, the people are warm and nice, selfless and jovial. i simply love them. HAHAHAHA. 如果真是这样, 把我名字倒过来念.

oh well, doing maths is kinda interesting actually. if i actually understand that topic, i m sure i will love it.
But the problem is. haha. this year, i know nuts. :)
well, time to buck up and depend on aeroplane and other things to help me :)

now, more maths :(

2007-06-25T20:47:00.000+08:00

and there's just something amazing about friendster. they give rather nice and accurate horoscope readings. well. i'll try to make it a point to post it here as well. haha. if you are a pisces, lucky u. cause i m one too. haha. :)

=Your main problem today is that you are not going to be sure about what you want.=

source from friendster :)

and i sincerely pray hard that one day, the horoscope reads, you will Ace all your papers today, well well. haha. dreaming.

people.

2007-06-25T20:22:00.000+08:00

yay. i 've finished my econs paper! though i think i m not going to do well, but heck lah. haha. i have no paper tmr! wahaha. so happy. :)

so i m nowl eft with maths. history and C lit. which
i HAVEN'T touch on any yet. Wish me or lend me all your luck people. it'll be greatly appreciated. :)

and i've realised something. words are very important. everyone counts.
and especially in conversations.
people. aka us. are sensitive creatures. we must treat everyone of us as if we are diplomats from different countries. one wrong word and off to war are we!
so yea. mind your language :)
or well, some country may tolerate those crude behaviour and language, but trust me, this country will definitely do something back. an eye for an eye. SWEET revenge.
love it. haha.

and i can smell a lumix camera coming my way. 7.2 mega pixels. takes clear pics. and claims to be the world's slimmest. well. we shall see. :) for now, we smell.

plans.

2007-06-24T16:51:00.000+08:00

and yesh. yet again, i decided to give myself break from mugging. :) i so simply love myself. haha

anyway, being totally random, i decide to write my plans for my life. :)

after A levels, NS!
and yea. university. :) whereby, i will choose to major in, Political Science, international relations or history, seeing whichever i want next time. haha and minor in a language, say German!
and then. NIE. i wanna be a teacher for 5/6 years :)
and during this 6 years, i will spend 2 years on business administration.
then, after 6 years of teaching :) at ard 30 years old. I will start my own business. :D still unsure of what though. but yea.
if it is good, continue and EXPAND! make it into a household name and everyone knows ivan :)
if it fails, i have 3 alternatives.
1st, go back to teaching? or tuition teacher :)
2nd, find a job with the foregin affairs or sth similar? haha
3rd, work in some company that works with Germany, so yea. :)

somehow, i wun be out of a job, unless, i decide to molest some people from the school and get sacked and jailed. haha. or i decide to run around killing someone with a chopper. yea.
so, that's it. my guideline for my life and everything.
and wait!

there's still a plan with aeroplane.
A house with 2 rooms :) a balcony,
a car!
and a dog to run around the house. :)

whee. i can't wait to grow up! haha

2007-06-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

I thought I could be happy with you
But it turns out that I m happier eating my tenders
I thought I will be sad leaving you
But it turns out that I m sadder without my 6 piece nuggets

oh well. nuggets are nice :)
anyway. well. i miss my father. 3 years ago. this day. cheh. nvm :(

k. i still believe in that FRIENDS can be forever, but lovers can't. unless the lover is. ahem. hahaha. well. HAte is a really strong word.
just chill and relax.

and well. a relationship breakdown is not a single party's fault. just like. uhm. it takes two hands to clap. yea. so. if u push all the blame to the right hand for clapping, it wun be fair right. well well well.

o. nvm =)
happy belated fathers' day.

2007-06-19T22:03:00.000+08:00

say goodbye to emo-ism and welcome muggerism. and loads of love and happiness =D
well. =D this smiley explains everything.

anyway, my mum always make random comments.
like saying, u've grown slimmer.
totally not the truth. but i believe she has her reasons. and here they are.
listed. in order of possibility.

1. to make me happy. *she knows i want to be slimmer*
2. cause i was away from home, and she misses me. so, yea, that's y she sees that i m a bit slimmer?
3. her eye got problem?
4. totally being random?
5. well. why not the truth? maybe i did turn slimmer? =D (but rmb to see how i arrange the 5 reasons. :D )

awww. sweet rite. my mum. haha. i love her. haha. even though she is strict and strict. and she nags and nags. haha

but anyway, the chalet was fun, st james was fun. kelvin's hse is fun. jet is fun =D
kelvin's mum is great. omg. if we all dun need to mug, the earth will be a better place. lesser paper, lesser stress. more tress =)
well. back to mugging. =)

2007-06-14T19:11:00.000+08:00

E lover- Stefanie Sun

雨天想著我們未曾碰面望著你的照片

你問我台北好嗎? London陰著天

兩個城市雨綿綿

嗯~ 深夜收到你的生日卡片 E-mail祝福信箋

問候裡夾藏許多淺\淺\的思念

就是不見真實的愛戀

等你說 I love you

互動的心再遠也能感應

指尖一遍一遍說著想愛的心

雖然害怕一樣相信寧願用時間讓你證明

Dun you know I love you

愛我請你試著瘋狂一些

不聽不管不問就算是種危險

不再害怕裹足不前愛個人就該相信直覺

請相信直覺

oh man. this is the song that i missed out from my collection. yea. nice song! which kinda reflect what is happening now. =p
haha. anyway, the chalet was nice! hard to express how it was here though, so ya, =)
but nothing is better than the fone calls at night. so ya. :)

2007-06-10T20:52:00.001+08:00

i want to hug you and cry.
and then die.

2007-06-10T16:40:00.001+08:00

All those ambiguous conversations you've been having with someone will end today.

pisces. today.

2007-06-10T12:50:00.000+08:00

haha.
ivan's feeling bored. :)

well, random posts.
i love smun, tiring it is, little sleep we get, it's still worth it for all the bitchiness and fun. :)

the most mermorable line should that of Belgium's PRESENT, and BITCHING
the thought of it never fails to make me grin and then break into big laughter. haha

anyway, ivan would like to list, for the fun of it, how his potential other half should be like, not that he doesn't alr have one, but haha, this is his ideal one. :)

in order of importance?
Sensitive
loves to camwhore as much as i do
bitch with me
able to stand such a annoying person like me
a lil childish.
dun discriminate
rich :)
and presentable

that should be all. haha
like, yea, his ideal type of person. haha

2007-06-04T23:05:00.000+08:00

Life.

miserable/ exciting/ great.

u're the one who makes the decision. what u want to be.

Lies.
mis-understandings
neglect-ism.
mugging.

things small. and yet significant.
they equate to frowns and tears.
but still, what can frowns and tears to?
make a person happier? nah. never.

can't a person, that clever, be so stupid enough not to sense someone's emotions? o well. what the heck.
Ignore and MUG shall be the solution to this. and EVERYTHING.

oh well.
Ivan's gg for SMUN tmr. representing UK WHO.
wish him luck and hope he smiles.

and yea. he wishes to post sth like he wanted to post for a damn long time but he din. cos he needs to pack his bag for tmr. yea. nites.
and may he be happy and blessed.

Good Luck, pathetic ivan.

anyway, happy birthday kelvin :)

2007-06-02T17:18:00.000+08:00

well.
was chatting with shade the other day. so uhm. ya
somewhat we talked about horoscope. yea.
he thought i m a cancer. cause cancer people(as in the horoscope cancer) are emo.
and i appear to be emo.
and ya. he's a pisces too. like me :)

Pisces- Sensitive

Positive traits :Compassionate and kind, Selfless and unworldly,Intuitive and sympathetic

Negative traits: Escapist and idealistic, Secretive and vague, Weak-willed and easily led, indecisive

oh well. so true. seriously.

compatible with
earth= >Capricorn, taurus and Virgo
water= >Pisces, Cancer Scorpio

not so with.

fire=> leo, aries, sagitarius
air=> aquarius, libra, gemini

oh well. haha. i somewhat asked about aquarius and pisces.
and he said aquarius needs to be sensitive to pisces emotions.

haha. are u reading this?? :)
ivan- horoscofied.

2007-06-02T12:00:00.000+08:00

haha. din blog for damn long.
nvm. i prefer updating once a week now since no one views my blog and i dun have the time either. haha.
this holiday. supposedly free for my studying. haha but somewhat turns out to be the busiest one i ever had.

SMUN next wk. chalet the wk after. and clubbing. yea.
k. other than these and 3 days to go out. the rest for studies. :)

Chinese CT was haha. well. i din spot those few. but those were easy, and i did study. but somehow not so sure. so yea. wait till i get my results. haha
GP was mixed as well. i chose a qn that i usually wun choose. like a third world war is impossible with the interconndectedness of the world today. yea. haha. compre to me. was tough. as usual :)

i watched pirates also. :)with MR T. and yea. went K box with him.
great time. :)
then i went choir concert with Kelvin. :) haha. it's nice. the concert, and the companion.

k. wat else. nth much. i need to pack my alr messy room. prepare for my camps. study. watch shrek. and club. :)

ivan- excited.

LOVE- HOUSE

A person without love is someone without a house. waiting and looking around for the right house to stay in.
So he finds a house that's totally like what he wanted. clever and nice looking. yea.
But sadly, the house is not yet available as the owner is still pondering whether to sell the house.
and he somewhat realised that he already had a house too. A house that he bought on impulse. and had been renovating to suit his needs. (u spend money and time too)
But, such a house that needs major revamp, will it stand? nothing is perfect. but trying to make it perfect is a bad thing actually. u lose yourself. u lose all your houses.
so. rather than making the house change and change to suit ur needs, why not find one that is already close to what u want?

2007-05-31T14:17:00.000+08:00

原来这是你给我的答案.
我明白了.

2007-05-24T22:35:00.000+08:00

somehow. ivan thinks that he is wierd.
but a happier person now thanks to the many people he know. =)

but somehow, tmr is chinese paper and GP paper, and the runway.
stressed man. so this post is short. and sweet.
just like ivan :)

ivan- off to sleep.

2007-05-20T16:08:00.001+08:00

somehow. emo cells in my body work very well.
as recently, i wrote this emo stuff. not say poem, not lyrics. just some stuff. haha

as follows.

And I always remember the times we date
I love you is what you will always say
I still remember the days
We sneaked out at night and star gaze

But things didn’t work our way
And then it extinguished our love flame
I had to shoulder all the blame
All because of me is what you claim

I promised you that I could change
To fit you into those things that you craved
I’ve always believed in fate
Hoping a better future we can create

And then life after the break
It will never ever gonna be the same
The smile of mine will still be fake
And I continue to live in a daze

And I never forget the promises we made
But it turned out that somehow we did break
I dun want you to hate
I just wanna make you stay

Maybe u will choose to come back someday
Back to my side I will always pray
But when I see you with your new found date
A big frown just added to my face

No longer am I your slave
Now alone hiding in a cave
Waiting for you to save
But you never came

关于我们的未来还不确定
还未做出任何决定
你默默无言一人离开屋顶
肯定了我的伤心

我黯然回到房间里哭泣
想你刚给我的最后表情
回想当时给彼此的约定
再看一看已遗失的感情

原来分手是两个人的逃避
面对这种难题也只能回避
没有勇气向困难前进
爱情让人失去了理性
让人从梦中清醒

我只想再牵牵你的手而已
求了好久好久你才肯答应
你走后客厅变得特别安静
思念也会让人失去了自己
遗忘的是那时的美好回忆

热恋的我们爱得难以置信
我记得怎样写你复杂姓名
但随爱情走后都已经离去
我们都不必受悲伤的委屈

好像一片云在天空飘浮着
忘了寂寞的太阳会不快乐
你也这样的走了
我也无能选择
爱得那么狼狈, 我们都很累
为你掉的眼泪也都只是废

2007-05-17T21:40:00.000+08:00

it's been 2 years.

anyway, this song just kept repeating over my head.
probably the song that concludes how i feel. =)

又站在你家的门口
我们重复沉默
这样子单方面的守候还能多久
终于你开口向我诉说她有多温柔
虽然你还握着我的手
但我已不在你心中
我真的懂
你不是喜新厌旧
是我没有
陪在你身边
当你寂寞时候
别再看着我
说着你爱过
别太伤痛
我不难过这不算什么
只是为什么眼泪会流我也不懂
就让我走
让我开始享受自由回忆很多
你的影子也会充满我生活
我并不懦弱
你比谁都懂
虽然寂寞
这会是我
最后的宽容
抱紧我
再抱紧我
这一份感动
请你让我留在胸口
别再说是你的错
爱到了尽头
是非对错就让它随风
忘了所有
过得比你快活
不要再说
或许这是最好的结果
现在分手
总好过你不爱我一拖再拖
松开你的手
离开你左右
我向前走
这会是我
真正的解脱

2007-05-11T17:59:00.000+08:00

i hate people who are in the wrong.
dun bother to apologise.
and yet blame other people.

and i m not listing names. just saying
in general. =)

2007-05-11T17:47:00.000+08:00

2007-05-09T22:14:00.000+08:00

nothing much had happened over the past few days
had investiture. and ya.
not surprised that i din feel much since we're not so close as expected. so ya.
i'd rather gossip =)
and that yanzi CD is still not out yet.
WTH.
k

nites.

ivan-wierd.

2007-05-05T14:12:00.001+08:00

2007-05-05T13:55:00.000+08:00

and i choose not to believe again.

for i had patiently waited every morning for that same sms.
seeing you happy makes me smile. a weak one.
wishing i am the one who is there happy with you,
and being the source of your happiness.
true, my departure is your source of happiness.

i love yanzi songs.

2007-05-05T00:31:00.000+08:00

and i am gonna ignore u forever

not u, in case u're wondering.
just some other friend that i knew, whom broke the promise, forgot the deal, and left me alone. (not the person i m referring to for the past many posts btw)

why, must people make people cry?
why, must people make people give people false hopes?
why, must people make hopeful people hopeless?
why, must people make happy people upset?
why, must people make fun of people?
why, must people make judgement on people based on looks?
why, must people make joy out of people's misery?

Tell me. why.

watched spiderman 3
not bad. but the sound blast was horrendous.
the plot kinda sucks but the rest are okay.

and i've recently started to like have 5 songs randomly chosen from my ipod list of songs. and listen to the lyrics and everything.

and i pick out those that explain how i feel, since i m not good in words.
try guessing which songs i am refering to. and yes, majority are stefanie's songs.

1. 最怕你把沉默当做对我的回答, 我不要你的承诺不要你的永远, 眼泪在你的心里只是无理取闹
2. 我忽然非常想念你, 你的离去就像刺青永远烙印在我的心, 一次又一次的灰心才发现早以麻痹
3. 强忍着泪水的眼睛, 表演不在乎的一出戏, 其实我只是输不起, 先开口的人算不算不争气
4. 有没有别人跟我一样很想被安慰,心暖了又灰, 梦作了又碎我们有几次机会, 爱又稀少又昂贵
5. 感觉不到你才知道丢了自己,谁陪过我无声哭泣在我最糟的夜里,我不知道如何再爱

Yanzi Fan enough?
answers will be listed below after another round of emo posts by me. =)

but seriously, i hate being alone.
i dun want to think and reflect on my past, and present myself.
i have been leading a live far away from my ideal one.
the one that i told everyone that i like.
i dun want people to dislike me, but somehow, people do.
not that i want everyone to love me, but i just dun like the feeling of being hated.
i do blame myself.
i have a deep sense of guilt and remorse.
and i hate putting on the mask to school everyday and changing to another at home and finally removing them when i am alone.
it's tiring.
what's Life.
with CHEATS, HATERS everywhere.
i dislike them. a lot. really. they make me what i am today. they control my emotions. they are the one u love and yet hate.
i m really feeling terrible deep down.
i want people to know.
and yet i can't show it.
that mask of mine is there forever.
Stuck.
i need a break.
from everything.
i wanna mug. and mug and mug.
i want to get all As. not possible for my PW and H1 Chinese i know. but i will try, as hard as i can, to achieve that ideal life that i want.

and also
i WANT my yanzi 改版CD. who will buy for me?
take it as a present for a pathetic being living in some small island of the cruel world.
take it as a thing to shut this complaining person's mouth up.
take it as a present for him, for you never know, it might be his last one.

the answers are here!

原来你什么都不想要
安宁
坏天气
同类
我不爱

ivan, i wanna be myself. he dun wanna lie.
and he hates jerks and liars. irony.

2007-05-01T22:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes Love just ain't enough

I don't wanna lose you,
I don't wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don't wanna hate you
I don't wanna take you
But I don't wanna be the one to cry
That don't really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

Now I could never change you
I don't wanna blame you
Baby you don't have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something's gonna change

There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And there's a Danger in Loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough
Baby sometimes love just ain't enough

2007-05-01T21:17:00.000+08:00

HAPPY Labour Day.
the short lived holiday for everyone right smack in the centre of the week.
why can't they make monday holiday as well?

anyway, ya.
watched nightmare detective.
a lil gross. but still, avg movie.

我们都很累
爱得那么狼狈

2007-04-30T22:34:00.000+08:00

站在窗前感觉就像世界少了我其实也无所谓

那么爱你你不知道

i tried my best. no regrets.
i promised i will cherish the best and forget the rest.
guess it's also tiring for you and i

anyway, on a happier mood, today was the elections!!
president- daniel
VP. Sean Ang
Secretary- DJ
Treasurer- Sean Foo
Student Affairs- Afiqah
Operations- forgot his name =)

hate walking and walking all over again.
esp with abrasions.
it's painful.
hates ulcers. u practically can't eat anything

and ya, i saw a real life example of 一朵鲜花插在牛粪上

ivan- thinking of the goods and bads. hanging by the thread.

2007-04-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

http://www.myheritage.com

2007-04-29T12:54:00.000+08:00

ivan caluculated.
he'll be $78000 +++ richer upon his 21st bithday.
and he's rejoicing over that now despite being sad.

loves mum and dad.

even the sweetest chocolates taste bitter when u r feeling bitter.
loves bitter chocolate.

2007-04-29T12:11:00.000+08:00

u.
helped me erase the previous memories of him and him.
made me feel like a happy person once more.
but.
ur departure brought them back again.
making it deeper than before.

can't u understand?
i love u so.
much.

2007-04-28T16:32:00.000+08:00

it used to be this

but now.
u left.
friends dun care.
me alone.

so. get back to mugging

i hate myself for hating myself.

study

2007-04-28T00:13:00.000+08:00

now i understand why studying and preparing for As is more important.

2007-04-27T23:43:00.001+08:00

working so hard to achieve nothing.

i hate myself.

2007-04-27T23:38:00.000+08:00

i hate myself.

for falling so deeply in love with you
for giving you my committement
for spending my time and money on you
for losing you
for not being able to make you love me
for shedding tears for you
for many many many things
even for making no one read this blog.

and i hate u too.
for everything that i hate myself about. =(

hatred filled ivan

我很笨

2007-04-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

我很笨.很傻.
依然保留着那一线希望
还以为事情会有转弯
怎知道是我一时的空欢喜
再去你工作的地方游荡
希望能够有复合的希望
可是你看也不看
直到我走向前才没办法留意到我
我还是那么那么爱你
即使有千千万万的遗憾
但是你根本不爱我
或许说你只喜欢过我
爱却依然留在别人的心房
现在的我真不知怎么办

坦白告诉你
我非常爱你

但想必在你心里一定还是那句
与我何相关.

LOVE+ money+ time+ scoldings+ drop in results+ soft toys+ bag+ jacket+ me.
all wasted. gone. i cherish this memory. but the bad memories just happen to pop up more times than the good ones.

maybe like wat A said, u dun love me. u still love the previous one. and i am just the substitute, the person whom u vent ur fustrations on. to take ur revenge on. because the way you handled the things, is totally identical to what he did to you.
I dun mean a thing to you. i know. now. clearly.

i m just your toy. as and when you are bored, you take me out and play. and dump me aside when you dun need me.
i am just a radio without control. i irritate you even though you tried to stop, and even after you threw the radio away.
i am just a bird that wants to fly out from his cage so that you will pay more attention to me, but you opened the door and chased me away.
i am just like a running tap. whose tears for you can't seem to stop, and you dun seem to care to turn the tap off.
i am just me. the one who loved u deeply, but not appreciated. not returned. and the 'emo' one who might just cease to exist anytime onward. because he was cheated yet again. tormented by the unbearable pain once again. and losing the will to live on, without you.

YOU DUN LOVE ME
YOU DIN LOVE ME
YOU WUN LOVE ME

BUT I DID LOVE U
I DO LOVE U
BUT I WUN LOVE U ANYMORE. at least. i'll try.

ivan- feeling's like standing on the highest storey on the highest building. deciding to jump? or not.

i've seen thru.

2007-04-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

我看透了
很彻底的
你根本不爱我
根本不想挽留
看着我这样的走
你也没有说什么
只说一声做回好朋友
不要再为那件事追究

我想问你为什么你当初会选择我
为什么又要把我抛弃再让我离去
我不是你的谁
不需要受你的委屈
不需要天天等你
不需要每天早上把你吵醒
因为我已经不属于你

希望你会说声对不起
但知道你转头里开那天起
我已不再是你的唯一
看见天空在哭泣
就知道他也在为这痴心汉伤心

真的不了解
爱一个人那么容易
说对不起那么容易
打碎别人的心容易
但要忘记好不容易

?

2007-04-25T16:51:00.000+08:00

my mind is now a blank. or i rather a question mark.
just like that, nothing else. swiftly.
you just agreed.
i was expecting otherwise.
but ur attitude towards this thing was.... haiz.
should i continue? or retreat?
whatever.
you dun care either.

you dun care about what i say.
you dun care about how i feel.
you dun care about everything and anything.
you dun care about me.

i hate people saying SHUT UP. to me.
so to -u know who- shut up.

i wanna watch Solos. but. it's not going to be shown. =(
added to my misery.

i feel like dying. but will you care?

ivan- all is gone. the last on the list.

..

2007-04-24T20:16:00.000+08:00

a nice morning. greeted by
uhm.
2 lines from a stranger that made my day.
ARGH!. so happy. haha.
just 8 words from that person's mouth. whoo. haha

and today. no tutorials at all. lectures, lectures, and still lectures.
sleepy as usual. =x

but yesterday. i din blog.
too tired from the EU thing.
it was kinda embarrassing, because of all times, the ceiling leaked water on some of the distinguished guests, or u call them VIPs. =)
the situation was kind of chaotic for 5 mins, then the councillors salvaged the situation by bringing in mops, and pails and towels. embarrasssing moment number 2.
haha. but nevertheless, it was a job well done still.
As for me, the door opener, what else can be better than opening the doors for everyone. the VIPS. if i weren't there, they can't enter. and i get to see them real close! k. i m just speaking in a positive thinking.
in reality, that job sucks.

k. so after that, we went down to mingle with the guests. I spoke to the dunno who. some press woman from the EU commision. ya.
and she thanked us and i said she looked pretty.
maybe that worked as she brought me around introducing me to the guests.
and i met this lady from Germany, holding some high position(i guess) in the Luftana * however u spell it) German airline. ya. and we chatted. and chatted. from school to NS to places of interest. yupps.

that's it. end of that tiring day.

BUT
i wish to continue by bitching. haha
can't help it.

imagine u were with ur frens in the canteen. u put ur bag down on one seat.
k. there are 8 seats.
and then u saw ur fren and said hi to ur fren, who is at another table. thinking of buying food and join them later. in like 5 mins?
k. u return without food. thinking of buying them later when the crowd disperse. but who knows, when u return, u sit. and the 8 places are occupied now. and this other fren comes with a plate of food. and wondering where to sit.
k. ur supposedly GOOD FREN *S* said to u.
eh. go and sit with ur other frens lah. since u like to sit there so much.
well, how would u feel?
and u expect ur another GOOD FREN *H* to speak up. but sadly, nope.
so. u picked up ur bag in anger. and leaves to join the other fren whom u said hi to just now.
and then they asked u to go back. call ur name, and u dao them. being u. =)
and the they i am refering to is not S nor H, but the others.
k. and now i m going to ignore S and H. not that i am petty, but just because i dislike them. =)
and i hope they're reading this blog eh.
but then again. these 2 'good frens' are no longer the same. they made even better frens. they place u last. and they no longer hang out with u. But with *B* *J* *F*
any one else other than u. =)
well. k. you are just jealous.

and so. now u hope that they realise how u feel. but u seriously doubt so. period.
end of that story.

and next, there's this bitch from my class. =)
k. she provoked me since a long time ago.
she din know i hate her. but i think she hates me.
so i hate her even more. =)
i was telling other people jokes yesterday, but she interupted and shouted a vulgarity at me. aiyo.
i tell u the joke now.

F, G, and K were in the jungle.
then K went missing.
so F and G decided to lOOk for K
an hr later, G saw F.
and asked.
F, u see k?

gt the joke?
but that bitch said Fuck u. in my face.
and i wondered what the U was for.
well. i was like watever. since she's the majority of the majority in my class.
so i hope she will fall sick.
and GOODness.
my prayers were answered.
someone's not feeling well today. lalala.
and she still dare to make fun of me.
so i was like.
why u say me? in a damn bloody cold manner.
cos i sweared i wun smile to her anymore. =) * iknow she's not reading this, that's y there're so many =) in this blog)
and she went stunned. nvm. haha.

still i hope she get an attack from herself. well. see my friend's names and u find which one is the sickly one.
some illness that some people have. actually quite common. where u cannot breathe well and gasp for air. yar. that person has a similar name as that sickness.

with that, i can't wait to see her get scolded tmr.
and oso. i have to go rush my outline before i get scolded instead.
then again,
ivan- asks you have 10 cents to spare?

what's wrong with gays?

2007-04-22T12:25:00.000+08:00

Homosexuals.
Gays and Lesbians.

Love them, Hate them, they still exist in this world.
but what's wrong with them?

their only 'problem' is liking someone else of the same gender. not that they steal or kill or rape.
and if u think they're enjoying it, it will be very wrong.
they're in fact bearing this torment of discrimination and prejudice against them.

and think of it, you are a gal and u like a guy. u tell the guy openly.nothing wrong.
u are a gay. and u think twice before telling the guy. with 33.3% of being accepted, rejected but still remain as frens, and a 33.4% chance of being rejected, even as a friend.

not that i am gay or something, i m just speaking for what i think is right.
and some people, who really have nothing better to do, go around spreading like who's gay and who's lesbian.
so how they find out?

some people tell their friends, expecting them to keep their mouth shut, but who knows, their mouth is equivalent to that of a red coloured loud hailer. the fren's frens know.

next, people go find out themselves, totally ignoring the 190 more days to A levels. =) they go to the net, spend hours searching for their 'friends' online.

and after that people flock to this people asking are u gay, are u lesbian.
well. then these homosexuals go through a mental torture and suffer in silence.
they lose face, they lose friends, they lose the courage, they lose reputation.
worse cases, they commit suicides. other people choose to brave it and accept that.
and their friends think. c'mon, just a small matter, dun make a big fuss out of it.

and also, the recent massacre in the US Virginia University.
if people showed more care and concern to the 'loner', would this tragedy ever take place? friends are essential in our lives. they determine your actions somehow or another. Understand, talk to them, counsel them. u never know, u migt just prevent a mischap from happening. =)

Guys, Gals, Gays, Lesbians, Fat people, old people,celebrities, criminals, your mother, your neighbour, your teacher, yourself. one thing in common.

all humans.

put yourself in their shoes and understand how they feel.
perhaps you will reconsider whether your next action will prick your conscious in any way.

and i think the 200 pounds beauty is a nice movie. watch it. =)

ivan- pissed.

2007-04-22T12:22:00.000+08:00

i suppose today's the saddest day of my life.
but who knows?

-silence-

i've wasted my time and everything. wat's next?

ivan- wasted.

happy birthday

2007-04-22T10:21:00.000+08:00

today's his birthday.
in my whole life, i dun remember getting him any present.
i regret not treasuring the times when he is around.
i miss him.

Happy birthday daddy.
i miss u.

ivan- loves his father

i miss ivan

2007-04-21T19:53:00.000+08:00

i miss ivan. :(
i miss those friendships.

i hate you now. as my fren. and i know there might be a possibility that u are viewing this blog. (ps: only less than 10 people know that i re-blogged again)
so ya. i dun care!
i still hate u. =( my once good fren.

maybe hate is a strong word.
i longer regard u as my fren. =)

ivan- one friend down

omg.

2007-04-20T22:53:00.000+08:00

k. so ya. this week.
so busy. din post.

and next week. busier.
with history test coming up on monday
and CHinese common test on Friday.

our sch will also be flooded with angmohs next monday. whee.
the EU thingy.

i love bittersweet chocolates.
i love mint chocolates.
i love history lessons.

i hate

that big fat pig. *i think only i know who*

my feet ain't that smelly anymore k.
and dun complain when no one else is.SHOO

sick

2007-04-16T23:33:00.000+08:00

ivan is sick.
sore throat. cough. running nose.
and "PMS"

the camp was fun. but i preferred the nite on Friday. =)
anyway, ya.

i m feeling so damn low.
k. simple qn. if ur gf's birthday is like coming.
and u arranged it long ago with her that you guys will be celebrating together.
then she suddenly tell u that she can't meet u on that day.
then u told her that u did arrange with her.
and she says no. u din.
and then u said u got.
and she said. see first.
and then she said she's tired.
wait till next time then see how.

=)
well.

ivan- Sick. literally and not literally.

2007-04-12T22:22:00.000+08:00

had that dreaded econs test just now.
case study to me was a killer.
essay was ok. at least i know what to write.

and i got this strong feeling that i might not be able to pair up with Simin for the facilitator thingy? well, i hope the feeling's wrong.
tmr's the camp. well, no excitement or sth. haha. it's just another camp? haha

and ya, i managed to finish the project. my part!
woots.
now left with chinese and GP, which are actually dued.

and having abrasions sucks. they itch, swell, and are painful.

ps: now u know how i felt.

ivan- abrasion

random

2007-04-11T20:34:00.000+08:00

not that i just broke up or something.
but i m just feeling terrible.
too many things. too little time to handle.
HOW?

anyway, i must say, Yanzi new album is really nice, i still like her ballads.
those slow sad songs.

and i rank the songs in her album in this order. according to the number of playtimes in my ipod.

我怀念的 199
旋涡 173
安宁 132
逆光 132
咕嘰咕嘰 121
需要你 118
爱情的花样 91
飘着 80
梦游 80
关于 63

anyway,
today. the school started off with all of us missing one period of lesson!
due to the corporate video. =)
and also the council has to stay back and do the video. haha
they're making somewhat like a MV for the school song.
and ya. imagine, with blazers, ties, and leather shoes. =) inder the hot sun
u sing a line or two of the school song. and people from outside looking at u.
gt the feeling?

ivan- confused and worries for his econs test tmr.

To smile or to frown

2007-04-11T00:27:00.000+08:00

TO smile =)
or to frown =(

getting this unexpected answer.
i dunno how to react, but still it's better than the past few days.
where my world was dark and cold and i had to pretend that everything is fine and give that fake smile on my face. i dun want u know,but i just dunno how to answer questions like why?.

and yah. i hate my secrets being leaked out. and spreaded.
i hate to face this torture alone.
i hate telling people this story over and over again, when they will just sympathise with you and go off.
i hate those kaypoh people who yah, rather surf the net on boring stuff than study, A levels is more impt. mind u.

off i m to sleep.
with that 'smile' u never get to see in school

ivan- asleep

2007-04-10T22:20:00.000+08:00

omg. stress.

super sad day. but still u made it end. =)
had this council meeting. well, haha. dunno what to say.
and my homework for today. =)
and ya. i hat being threatened.

histoory tutorial outline
history qn.
ECONs project
chinese worksheet
GP comphre
and the script for the presentation tmr.
HOW?

DIE.

ivan- dying of work

2007-04-09T22:10:00.000+08:00

You Belong in Milan

Stylish and sophisticated, you want to enjoy a truly European life - away from tourists!
Milan fits you perfectly. Great shopping, high quality food, lots of culture... with very little hype.

What European City Do You Belong In?

2007-04-09T22:01:00.000+08:00

i guess the next copule of days will be VERY hectic. TESTS, Camps, Projects.
well, cut the thing short, i simply dun want to go for the council meeting tmr. but still i am going.
and today marks the 90th day. =) only some people know what it means. haha

I lOve rosti and the sausage. yumms.
I lOve sleeping on my bed. zzz
I lOve running away from u. =p

ivan- the lazy boy who love rosti.

我怀念的

2007-04-09T21:36:00.000+08:00

我问为什么
那女孩传简讯给我

而你为什么
不解释 低着头沉默

我该相信你很爱我
不愿意敷衍我
还是明白你已不想挽回什么

想问为什么
我不再是你的快乐

可是为什么
却苦笑说我都懂了

自尊常常将人拖着
把爱都走曲折
假装了解 是怕真相太赤裸裸
狼狈比失去难受

我怀念的是无话不说
我怀念的是一起做梦
我怀念的是争吵以后
还是想要爱你的冲动

我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌

记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口

谁记得
谁忘了

我怀念的是无言感动
我怀念的是绝对炽热
我怀念的是你很激动
求我原谅抱得我都痛

我记得你在背后
也记得我颤抖着

记得感觉汹涌
最美的烟火
最长的相拥

谁爱的太自由
谁过头太远了
谁要走我的心 谁忘了那就是承诺
谁自顾自里走
谁忘了看着我
谁让爱变沉重
谁忘了要给你温柔

我怀念的

我还有想要爱你的冲动
我记得那年生日
也记得那一首歌

记得那片星空
最紧的右手
最暖的胸口

我放手我让座
假洒脱 谁懂我多么不舍得
太爱了所以我没有哭 没有说

ivan - the one who fell in love with this song.

FRIENDS.

2007-04-08T20:03:00.000+08:00

True, a friend in need is a friend indeed.
but seriously, what are friends for?
to confide? to hang out with? or to make use of?

i choose not to believe the last one. but reality proved otherwise.
but still what can we do?
no choice, but to be made use of. =)

GOOD LUCK.
and 'Friends Forever'

ivan- the made use of and friendless 'friend'

YANZI. woots

2007-04-08T19:53:00.001+08:00

for the first time, i get to go to an autograph session. =)
YANZI 's AGAINST THE LIGHT autograph session.
the place is packed like shit. but well, it means that she is still not losing her popularity. which is a good thing. =)
I went with Red. who kinda chopped place for me. thx. haha.but other than that, she sang only two songs. much to my disappointment. But nevertheless, they're nice.

ivan loves ice cream and chocolate. they make ivan smile.

anyway, abt yesterday. went to have stamboat dinner at marina.
my first time. :)
but have to leave early. as usual. haha

other than that, i've chosen to forget that thing. and ya. forget and ignore. woots.

ivan is still in love with yanzi's new album.

ivan-the yanzi lurver

rumours

2007-04-06T23:37:00.000+08:00

Rumours and Gossips are probably the thing that one will love and yet dread most.
True, we all. ok. most of us love to gossip and spread rumours, saying how guy A loves Gal B, and wat gal C do to break Guy A and Gal B up by saying that Guy A is homosexual and likes Guy D and Gal B likes someone else instead. As confusing as it may be, in the end, just like the broken telephone line, the first hand info will not be accurately spreaded to the last party. yah.
true, we all love this. changing all the facts esp if u're the party Z. the last one and the person most unlikely to be involved.
BUT what if we're the characters in it? We will definitely hate this a lot. Will you want someone talking behind ur back? saying omg. he's gay. omg he's a big flirt. and all the negative stuff? The correct answer is no. unless u're some attn seeker who also wants this kind of attention. and so. why this topic.

cos. well. imagine people gossiping abt u right smack in front of you. imagine someone coming up to u and say. /hey. i know ur darkest secret/ or imagine ur closest frens telling u. /someone told me that.... /
how will ur reaction be? for me, i end it with a laugh. But deep inside. i worry, and worry. and still worry. to the extent of being UPSET over it. But still rumours and gossips, never ends.people just dun understand. different people, different reactions. Can't they just spare a thought for people who are damn sensitive? can't they have a heart and KEEP THEIR BLOODY BIG FAT MOUTH SHUT?
___________________________________________________________________
seriously, this issue had pondered me for like a week plus? and i've really been affected by this greatly. thinking who this person is. and the rationale behind it.
so to the person. whosoever you are, and i doubt u will be reading my blog, cause the number of readers is like virtually ZERO, i wish to congrat u of coming up with such an 'attractive' story. =)

and ya. pray hard i dunno u. if not, i m sure i will dig out all ur darkest secrets and spread it. well. i think and bet my mouth is bigger. =D roars. challenge me yea.
let's see. shall i mention ur mum sleeps ard? or ur dad is a whore? hahas. or maybe say that you're a bastard or something? well. maybe that's perhaps nothing to u. but well. i wun be so mean.

i shall just wish u GOOD LUCK and the following

-CROSS the road with care. =) u never know. Lorries, buses, cars ARE BIG, u know. they can crash and crush people =)
-even if u dun cross the road, walk with care. =) cars not only travel on roads u know. they can crash people on the pavements.
-EAT with care. simple reason. Dun choke and ya. who knows, ur other enemies outside might poison u. =)
- SLeep well. and never wake up. =) or maybe some monster will appear and eat u up or take u far away, for the benefit of all human beings, or should i say? dogs, pigs, cockroaches, houseflies, ants. Cos they deserve to live more than u do. =)
- be careful of animals. =) or should i say. animals, be careful of this Beast.
-maybe you're a mugger, study more. =) may all the bookworms come alive and gobble u up.
and ya. last but not least, DUN be wary of me, cause i m not going to do anything bad to u physically. =) i shall let heaven decide cos i believe he or she will be on my side. =)

so ya. what u can do now is
wash ur mouth thoroughly with all the soap and detergent and all the crap
but still it will be futile. cos what's done is done.. =)
and pray hard that you'll live another day longer. =)

with that good nite. and hope u MAY wake up and see the sun rise tmr.
GOD BLESS YOU.

ivan- the rumoured one